Today, Nick and I exchanged these vows:
Stacey, all that I am and all that I have I share with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I vow to love you, cherish you, honor and respect you until I leave this planet. I want you to be my wife.
Nick, I don't have a lot to give, but what I have I give to you. I vow to honor you, respect you, love and cherish you until the day I leave this planet. I want you to be my husband.
Today, I ignored my head and followed my heart. Today, I became a wife. Today, I took the name of my husband and became Mrs. Stacey D. Herron.
Ceremony and celebration to follow.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Well, he asked me to marry him. I said, "Yes."
Then he told me he wasn't ready. I said, "I knew that."
Then he told me he knew we're meant to be. I said, "How do you know?"
He said, "Because you're still here."
It's crazy how much he and I have been through. It's unbelievable how much I have grown and changed and made compromises that I never thought I'd make in order to be with him. Some people think I'm just love struck. Some think I'm being duped. Others think I need to 'just do me' for a while. While others wonder, 'What's the rush?'
Only one person thinks we are making the right decision. Only one person stands with me and understands the value of marriage in the way that I do. I'm glad I have one. So many times God calls us to things and we must stand alone. I've been so afraid to be called out from the group, to allow God to isolate and/or insulate me from the common crowd that I've missed opportunities to be used greatly. Well, this may be the greatest calling away from the masses I've ever heard. I'm walking, eyes wide open, into what may be one of the greatest challenges of my life. And only one friend stands fully with me. Those are usually the kind of odds God likes to work with.
My fiance is not the man I or anyone who knows me would have chosen for myself. He cannot even believe that I chose him. He thinks that he's not good enough for me and that I deserve better. The long and short of it is, he is flawed. Terribly flawed. He has weaknesses and shortcomings that a woman like me would never have given accepted in a man. And yet, I have accepted him. He may never change. He may never be any more or any better than who and what he is right now. And I have accepted him. It's no wonder people are concerned for me. They don't want me to be hurt. They don't want me to waste my gifts, my beauty, my talent, my life on a man who is unworthy of me. They don't want me to miss out on the ideal marriage situation in order to become help meet to someone who is so clearly not the ideal choice. I get it.
But I also get something that they don't get. I get that every godly marriage doesn't comprise of a Boaz and a Ruth. I get that at least one godly marriage consisted of a prophet and a whore. One other consisted of a a murderer and a widow. And yet another consisted of a former prostitute and a forgotten patriarch. Jesus didn't come to earth to save perfect people. He came to restore lost and broken people back to God. I get that marriage is hard work and if you choose the wrong person or marry at the wrong time, it can be harder than it needs to be. But, I also get that easy is overrated. Marriage isn't about me being happy and having an easy time of things. Marriage is about demonstrating, in human form, the over arching, all encompassing, ever lasting love of a perfect God toward and imperfect people. Marriage isn't about perfection, it's about be perfected.
Is there some sort of sick hubris in thinking that God would call me to a great sacrifice of marriage like Hosea? Sacrifice of marriage. Hmm. Bet nobody's ever thought of it like that before. Is it just an area of brokenness in me that I need so badly to be needed that I will place myself in unnecessary hardship just to fill my own selfish need? Is it possible that he and all the others are correct and there is someone better out there for me, someone who doesn't have all the issues? Possibly. I can't deny that I have thought about it (frequently). I can't deny that I have asked all these questions of God and myself. I can't deny that the wisdom of my family and friends hasn't affected me. But, ultimately, I keep coming back to him. I keep coming back to LOVE. Real love. Sacrificial love. I keep coming back to PURPOSE. Real purpose. Throw away the trappings of this world purpose.
This may be the greatest calling of my life and hubris will certainly lead to my destruction. The only way to fulfill this calling is through humility. Through understanding who I am and being all of who I am through Christ. He may never change, but I must believe he will as will I. I cannot remain the same if we are to thrive. I must change. I must become more like Christ. I must rely on His strength and wisdom. I have asked God to give me the strength to go running in the opposite direction if this isn't right. That's the only way I'll be able to go back. Now, I can only move forward.
Then he told me he wasn't ready. I said, "I knew that."
Then he told me he knew we're meant to be. I said, "How do you know?"
He said, "Because you're still here."
It's crazy how much he and I have been through. It's unbelievable how much I have grown and changed and made compromises that I never thought I'd make in order to be with him. Some people think I'm just love struck. Some think I'm being duped. Others think I need to 'just do me' for a while. While others wonder, 'What's the rush?'
Only one person thinks we are making the right decision. Only one person stands with me and understands the value of marriage in the way that I do. I'm glad I have one. So many times God calls us to things and we must stand alone. I've been so afraid to be called out from the group, to allow God to isolate and/or insulate me from the common crowd that I've missed opportunities to be used greatly. Well, this may be the greatest calling away from the masses I've ever heard. I'm walking, eyes wide open, into what may be one of the greatest challenges of my life. And only one friend stands fully with me. Those are usually the kind of odds God likes to work with.
My fiance is not the man I or anyone who knows me would have chosen for myself. He cannot even believe that I chose him. He thinks that he's not good enough for me and that I deserve better. The long and short of it is, he is flawed. Terribly flawed. He has weaknesses and shortcomings that a woman like me would never have given accepted in a man. And yet, I have accepted him. He may never change. He may never be any more or any better than who and what he is right now. And I have accepted him. It's no wonder people are concerned for me. They don't want me to be hurt. They don't want me to waste my gifts, my beauty, my talent, my life on a man who is unworthy of me. They don't want me to miss out on the ideal marriage situation in order to become help meet to someone who is so clearly not the ideal choice. I get it.
But I also get something that they don't get. I get that every godly marriage doesn't comprise of a Boaz and a Ruth. I get that at least one godly marriage consisted of a prophet and a whore. One other consisted of a a murderer and a widow. And yet another consisted of a former prostitute and a forgotten patriarch. Jesus didn't come to earth to save perfect people. He came to restore lost and broken people back to God. I get that marriage is hard work and if you choose the wrong person or marry at the wrong time, it can be harder than it needs to be. But, I also get that easy is overrated. Marriage isn't about me being happy and having an easy time of things. Marriage is about demonstrating, in human form, the over arching, all encompassing, ever lasting love of a perfect God toward and imperfect people. Marriage isn't about perfection, it's about be perfected.
Is there some sort of sick hubris in thinking that God would call me to a great sacrifice of marriage like Hosea? Sacrifice of marriage. Hmm. Bet nobody's ever thought of it like that before. Is it just an area of brokenness in me that I need so badly to be needed that I will place myself in unnecessary hardship just to fill my own selfish need? Is it possible that he and all the others are correct and there is someone better out there for me, someone who doesn't have all the issues? Possibly. I can't deny that I have thought about it (frequently). I can't deny that I have asked all these questions of God and myself. I can't deny that the wisdom of my family and friends hasn't affected me. But, ultimately, I keep coming back to him. I keep coming back to LOVE. Real love. Sacrificial love. I keep coming back to PURPOSE. Real purpose. Throw away the trappings of this world purpose.
This may be the greatest calling of my life and hubris will certainly lead to my destruction. The only way to fulfill this calling is through humility. Through understanding who I am and being all of who I am through Christ. He may never change, but I must believe he will as will I. I cannot remain the same if we are to thrive. I must change. I must become more like Christ. I must rely on His strength and wisdom. I have asked God to give me the strength to go running in the opposite direction if this isn't right. That's the only way I'll be able to go back. Now, I can only move forward.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Something hit me today. I'm afraid to be married. For someone who has pined for little else in life, it seems completely paradoxical. How could a woman who believes her greatest purpose in life is to demonstrate the love of God as a wife and mother, be afraid to get married? Well, sometimes it just is what it is until it isn't.
I had a conversation recently with someone who knows me only professionally and from this conversation I began to think about why I haven't gotten married and why my honey and I have struggled so much in a very different light. This person asked me, "What's the worst that could happen?" I had to admit, the worst that would happen would be that it didn't work out and I'd have to move back home with my mom and hear the sighs and see the eye rolls of well meaning friends, "Oh, there goes Stacey again, jumped head first and now she's all wet." The next worse thing I discovered later. The next worst thing is the isolation that will come from my family if I marry in an unconventional way, as seems very likely.
I hate isolation. I mean, like everybody there are times when I like to be to myself, but to be disconnected, to miss conversation, affection and intellectual exchange is like unplugging the phone. Case in point, when I was in high school, I began playing the violin. I was as close to a prodigy as you can be when you pick up an instrument for the first time at 15 years old. My orchestra teacher recognized my gift and decided to put me in the back room during class. He would give me two or three pieces of music to learn and then leave me in that room to teach the rest of the orchestra. By the end of the class, I had the music down pat and needed only a bit of correction and encouragement. This went on for what seemed like much longer than it probably was. I felt like I was losing my mind. I begged and begged to leave that room and join the rest of the class. My teacher warned me that if I joined them I would fall behind. That was enough to hold me for a while, but then I had enough. Despite the knowledge that I was far more advanced than the rest of the class and I would drop down several levels, I just had to join the pack. Thirty seven years later, I'm relearning how to the play the violin. I still have the talent, but the "gift" well, it's not what it was.
TD Jakes spoke of elevation of a few, Peter, James and John being taken from the 12 to the mount to see Jesus transfigured. They were already part of an elite group, but they were exclusive. When they returned to the 9, there is no way that they didn't behave or think differently than the rest. Today's daily bible reading was Daniel 1 and 2. When Babylon conquered Jerusalem, Nebuchadnezzar had all the best young men brought to him to be trained as wise men. Of this elite group, only Daniel, Hananiah, Azariah and Mishael were taken to the king. Daniel was elevated even out of this group, as he alone sat in the king's gate. Greatness requires a certain amount of isolation. Most people never achieve greatness because they are too afraid to separate from the group.
I told my honey that I'm afraid to move to Nashville for fear it might night work out for me again. I don't want to do the same thing over again. But this time would be different, I would be married, but my marriage and probably many other callings will require me to lose some relationships, to forge paths that I can follow no one, but Christ himself. This is petrifying to me and why I have remained single and emotionally dependent for so long.
Now that Mr. Mandela is gone, I see yet another picture of how being set apart is not just a by product of greatness, but a vital necessity. Am I ready to be elevated and leave behind the crowd? Am I courageous enough to overcome the fear of being Me and My Man against the world? I don't know yet, but I don't have long to figure it out.
I had a conversation recently with someone who knows me only professionally and from this conversation I began to think about why I haven't gotten married and why my honey and I have struggled so much in a very different light. This person asked me, "What's the worst that could happen?" I had to admit, the worst that would happen would be that it didn't work out and I'd have to move back home with my mom and hear the sighs and see the eye rolls of well meaning friends, "Oh, there goes Stacey again, jumped head first and now she's all wet." The next worse thing I discovered later. The next worst thing is the isolation that will come from my family if I marry in an unconventional way, as seems very likely.
I hate isolation. I mean, like everybody there are times when I like to be to myself, but to be disconnected, to miss conversation, affection and intellectual exchange is like unplugging the phone. Case in point, when I was in high school, I began playing the violin. I was as close to a prodigy as you can be when you pick up an instrument for the first time at 15 years old. My orchestra teacher recognized my gift and decided to put me in the back room during class. He would give me two or three pieces of music to learn and then leave me in that room to teach the rest of the orchestra. By the end of the class, I had the music down pat and needed only a bit of correction and encouragement. This went on for what seemed like much longer than it probably was. I felt like I was losing my mind. I begged and begged to leave that room and join the rest of the class. My teacher warned me that if I joined them I would fall behind. That was enough to hold me for a while, but then I had enough. Despite the knowledge that I was far more advanced than the rest of the class and I would drop down several levels, I just had to join the pack. Thirty seven years later, I'm relearning how to the play the violin. I still have the talent, but the "gift" well, it's not what it was.
TD Jakes spoke of elevation of a few, Peter, James and John being taken from the 12 to the mount to see Jesus transfigured. They were already part of an elite group, but they were exclusive. When they returned to the 9, there is no way that they didn't behave or think differently than the rest. Today's daily bible reading was Daniel 1 and 2. When Babylon conquered Jerusalem, Nebuchadnezzar had all the best young men brought to him to be trained as wise men. Of this elite group, only Daniel, Hananiah, Azariah and Mishael were taken to the king. Daniel was elevated even out of this group, as he alone sat in the king's gate. Greatness requires a certain amount of isolation. Most people never achieve greatness because they are too afraid to separate from the group.
I told my honey that I'm afraid to move to Nashville for fear it might night work out for me again. I don't want to do the same thing over again. But this time would be different, I would be married, but my marriage and probably many other callings will require me to lose some relationships, to forge paths that I can follow no one, but Christ himself. This is petrifying to me and why I have remained single and emotionally dependent for so long.
Now that Mr. Mandela is gone, I see yet another picture of how being set apart is not just a by product of greatness, but a vital necessity. Am I ready to be elevated and leave behind the crowd? Am I courageous enough to overcome the fear of being Me and My Man against the world? I don't know yet, but I don't have long to figure it out.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
This post will self destruct in 5, 4...
I've taken way bigger risks than posting videos of myself playing the violin...more specifically, playing the violin badly, for instance, flying to Europe alone, moving across country alone, driving hundreds of miles alone to meet, for the first time, a man I hoped to marry. But, this risk seems just as daunting because of the person for whom I've posted these videos.
I've always been able to perform - whether acting, singing or playing - better for complete strangers. For people I know and love, I perform worse because the criticism is worse. That's why I could blow like a beast as a guest worship leader at a church I had never attended, with the congregation seated only a few feet away, gathered around like children begging for candy. But at my own church, standing on a stage, with hundreds of familiar eyes watching, I could barely pull off a 30 second solo of one of our most beloved songs. I was comfortable singing at that lovely Anglican church because I knew I would never see any of those folks again, but folks at my church would have several times during the week to give me the side-eye about Sunday's screw up.
To be fair, I must admit, that has never happened. Everyone always encouraged and applauded anything I threw out at them (except our worship leader, but that was her job, I guess and my family. I rest my case.). Nevertheless, perception is reality.
Regardless, a risk-taker, I am. The greater the risk, the greater the reward and I have been rewarded well. So, I gladly post these crazy videos and hope that any and all who see them will be kind. If not, at least, putting myself on blast will push me to practice, practice, practice. No sights set on Carnegie Hall, but I do intend to play better than I ever did before. Enjoy!
To be viewed from top to bottom.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Hmmm...
Fail up
These words came to mind when sharing with a friend some of the feelings I have about my recent break up. I immediately did a google image search because I wanted to blog about this idea with a visual. The visual I got was unexpected. It was a photo of Tavis Smiley, my black brain crush, (Steven Mansfield is my white/Cherokee brain crush) on the cover of his book entitled "Fail Up". Amazon search, followed by reading of chapters 1 and 6, followed by listening to Dr. King's Drum Major sermon, followed by decision.
I've decided that I must act the way that I think vs. the way that I see. I see things in broad panoramic images, but I break ideas and concepts down to the bottom line very quickly. When I teach and advise, I'm always telling my student or confidant to take apart ideas in chunks and build from the most basic all the way up, in essence, deconstruct-construct. I thought I blogged about that concept once before, but am unable to find it.
Nevertheless, knowing that I tend to get bogged down, I must begin to take my own advice and take things a little at a time. Primarily, I am allowing myself to focus on only two dreams at a time, plan only two days at a time and accomplish a minimum of two tasks laid out for myself on any given day. For now, 2 is my magic number. When I master this practice I can and certainly hope to be able to plan months in advance and juggle many things at once, all while moving forward, wiser and better than I was before.
I have learned that failure is absolutely necessary for success. And I have even begun to believe that no matter how dedicated or driven one is, no matter how much time one has on this earth, we all will leave this earth as failures, having left something undone, undeveloped, incomplete. Fatalistic? Kind of, but not quite, because I believe that the predetermined end is ALWAYS good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. That in and of itself is the core of failing up, I think. You must fail better than the last time, the goal being to maximize the journey, not simply to reach the destination. For whatever point you reach, if it is higher than the point where you fell, you have succeeded.
I've decided that I must act the way that I think vs. the way that I see. I see things in broad panoramic images, but I break ideas and concepts down to the bottom line very quickly. When I teach and advise, I'm always telling my student or confidant to take apart ideas in chunks and build from the most basic all the way up, in essence, deconstruct-construct. I thought I blogged about that concept once before, but am unable to find it.
Nevertheless, knowing that I tend to get bogged down, I must begin to take my own advice and take things a little at a time. Primarily, I am allowing myself to focus on only two dreams at a time, plan only two days at a time and accomplish a minimum of two tasks laid out for myself on any given day. For now, 2 is my magic number. When I master this practice I can and certainly hope to be able to plan months in advance and juggle many things at once, all while moving forward, wiser and better than I was before.
I have learned that failure is absolutely necessary for success. And I have even begun to believe that no matter how dedicated or driven one is, no matter how much time one has on this earth, we all will leave this earth as failures, having left something undone, undeveloped, incomplete. Fatalistic? Kind of, but not quite, because I believe that the predetermined end is ALWAYS good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. That in and of itself is the core of failing up, I think. You must fail better than the last time, the goal being to maximize the journey, not simply to reach the destination. For whatever point you reach, if it is higher than the point where you fell, you have succeeded.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what your gonna get.
Mama tells son to expect the unexpected because, in the end everything is sweet. My life is less like a box of chocolates and more like an endless bowl of pasta. It seems everything overlaps and happens at the same time. Or I think I'm eating one noodle from the edge of my plate that really is a different noodle twisted up in the middle of the pile. My emotions are everywhere. My thoughts are on one thing only. My hopes are up. My future silhoutted behind a scrim woven with choices.
Last year death claimed three cousins, an aunt, a best friend and my grandmother. My dad's house burned down and we didn't cook for Thanksgiving for the second year in a row. This year I experienced real betrayal for the first time and for the first time felt real judgment about myself and how I've chosen to live my life. I was jobless and dependant (no longer jobless, but still dependant) not for the first time, but felt ashamed of that fact for the first time. Oh, and this will be year three of Thanksgiving on the fly. Oddly, in the midst of all this Love has found me. I'm not sure I was totally ready for it. I've been working on becoming a healthy person for a long time so that when love came I would be ready. But in the tangle of my experiences I've discovered just as much discouragement as excitement about being in love.
Today I am in love and hopeful, learning to appreciate all the strands being laced together, pulling and tugging on one another, hiding in plain sight. Life is like a bowl of pasta, take a stab at it and savor what you get.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
So, I'm the one that did the breaking up and yet this is how I feel.
Perfect love casts out fear. Love seeks not its own. If this is true, then couldn't we work it out? If we really love each other, then won't love transform us to be able to be together forever and have the life we both want?
I can't change him. I can't make him want the things he doesn't want. I can't stop wanting the things I want because they are the things that make up my destiny.
Expectations I can change.
Perspective I can change
False hopes I can change.
The desire to be a mother I cannot change.
But I also cannot change the fact that I love him.
I cannot change the fact that he knew what I wanted and what I was all about and pursued me anyway.
I cannot change the fact that he won me and made me feel loved, prized, wanted, admired.
Am I still to rigid and inflexible? Can I marry someone with the hope that he will cease to fear being a father again?
Can I marry someone with the hope that he will cease to fear travelling to far flung locales?
Can I bind myself to someone knowing that he may never change, that I may never have what I desire and that he is content to let me live that way?
I've been crying off and on all day asking these questions over and over again, thinking I made a mistake.
I made a mistake.
Did I make a mistake?
I just gave up my first love.
He doesn't want kids.
I do.
He doesn't want to travel the world.
I do.
Travel...not a big deal.
Kids...big deal.
He doesn't want kids.
I do.
He doesn't want to travel the world.
I do.
Travel...not a big deal.
Kids...big deal.
Friday, October 11, 2013
I've spent most of the morning being mad at things outside of my control. It'll be raining tomorrow when I need my hair to be nice. My man is acting up. I still haven't recieved an important phone call.
Being so upset about these things, I don't have the desire or motivation to do the things within my control. This is madness...absolute insanity and I need help to stop it.
Monday, July 9, 2012
A wise woman said, "Sometimes you are able to give more because of what you don't have." Mr. Miyagi said it another way, "Best way to avoid punch, no be there," the mantra of the famous Drum Technique.Since my last post I've been pondering, on one level or another, my life vision and the major paradigm shift that I've experienced in recent months. In a quiet time of prayer I saw my Before dreams and my After dreams side by side - what a polar distinction! On one hand is the glamourous NYC power picture. Amazing apartment, artsy friends, entrepreneurial prowess, pavement pounding in Tod's heels and gypsy-chic jewels. On the other hand is the simple adventure. A huge estate on acres of land...and a river runs through it. Artsy friends, homeschooling and dyeing wool shorn from my very own sheep. Two separate lives on two separate planes. How can I possibly have both? What man out there could possibly carry on this double life with me? As much as I hate the grey areas that lead to the maturity of strengthened faith, I desperately desire to be able to live in the worm hole between two universes.
Could it be the same in life? Balancing an equation is the same as cancelling out the equation. I don't want my life to be nothing with no forward movement. If I can do all things through Christ, somewhere in the "all" something is going to be equal and opposite to something else, which inevitably renders both things void. But if I can do all things through Christ at different times, in different seasons, with varying degrees of intensity, then something or many things will be out of balance before the pendulum swings back the other way. The thought is freeing and maddening at the same time. So, let's not think about it.
I jest. But seriously, perhaps the best way to live life not focused on the click of the clock as the pendulum swings, but to live knowing that the next swing is a new opportunity to give, to share, to sacrifice and to gain. For whatever is missing on one side shall surely be found on the other.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Don't Rush Me
It's funny how after receiving an amazing revelation, the Enemy can come at you with a powerful blow of condemnation. Last week was really tough. I'm aching to make a move in my life and am in a seemingly interminable holding pattern. I've been exercising diligently, but don't feel any stronger. I'm tired and can't get any sleep. I believe that I am victorious, but I feel utterly defeated. An amazing story of a young man's perseverance both inspired and convicted me. At breakfast, I turned to the Word for solace. Psalm 95 calls us to worship the great God and wonderous maker of the earth, but I felt lumped in with the rebellious nation whose hearts went astray from Him. I felt like Samson, shaven head hanging low, unable to tap into my supernatural strength.
I choked on my bagel, now soggy with tears. Why, God, make me like Samson when the world obviously needs David? Why make my eyes to see only the gilded edges of the frame and the grand picture it encompasses, when the world needs people who can recognize each stroke, identify each color, deconstruct the masterpiece bit by bit, rather than swallowing it's beauty whole? I was devastated looking at my life in mid-renovation.
Before: My foundation was solid, but not level, so my house leaned, and no wonder, since it was settled on clay studded with rocks. My yard was filled with flowering weeds and commanding trees that bore no fruit.Then I asked to see God, to be face to face with Him. I began to dream with Him and to picture His heaven here on earth. I asked Him for a special outpouring of Holy Spirit and an undeniable touch of His Fatherly love. I asked for curses to be broken, lies to be uncovered, walls to be torn down and ungodly thoughts and imaginations to be brought low. I asked God to excavate my life.
He did.
Now what?
Now, I'm surveying the damage. There is rubble everywhere. The ground is turned inside out, rocks piled in monstrous formations surrounded by tangles of overgrown weeds and gnarly roots that trail along the scarred earth. In the words of my college choir director, "It's a mess! A wreck mess...a train wreck mess!" This is why people want to buy move-in ready homes. Was what I had so bad? Was the way it used to be so very bad? Because living the aftermath of a hurricane is maddening!
What I loved most about doing hair and makeup was "transformations", taking an ugly duckling and coloring, cutting, buffing, polishing, painting and styling her into a swan. But, it wasn't just the final reveal that I lived for, it was the whole process in between. I was the only stylist in the salon taking pictures before, during and after. But the During is why I kept the clients' backs to the mirror.
During: the controlled (or rampant) chaos that ensues after the client is draped; the part of the design and landscape shows that gets edited out. But I can't edit this out! I can't turn my back and not see. I can't fade to black or return after a commercial break. I have to go through it, step by step, when every fiber in my body wants to just pull the pillars down on it all.
Breeeeeeeeaaaaathe.
After: My assignment today is write the vision and make it plain. I've written many a plan, goal and vision before. I've even gone through a 50 some odd page handbook on how to do it right (very awesome exercise, by the way http://yourfreebook.com/). But something happened. My goals changed. My purpose, no longer shrouded behind shame and fear presented itself like a wailing baby, dato alla luce. What is beautiful about my After is that the gilded frame remains, an effulgent casing, for the obra del Maestro, that is tantamount to what has been in my heart since my freshman year in college. It's all there, but the details are entirely different. There is a new pattern of strokes and new approach to the work that requires patience more than skill and consistency more than resources.
It would be easy to end my story buried under a pile of rubble, lying inches away from my felled enemies, my last emotions, vengeance and desparation. Afterall, my enemies would be dead and I would be a hero. Samson (Shimshon in the Hebrew) means "like the sun". I dare to deduce his parents named him thus because of the brilliant light that exploded from the angel of the Lord ascending to heaven in the flame of their burnt offering. Even more interesting, Shimshon's father, Manoah is rest personified. In Psalm 95 the rebellious nation could not enter into the Lord's rest. They were cursed to wander in the wilderness, doomed to die in the During, when they could have walked in the glorious light of the Son.
I know that I am called to shine, but my ministry must be born from rest. It is okay, even necessary for me to not rush through the transformation, but rest through it. As God has shaken my world, He will also remake it, and it will be better than before.
I choked on my bagel, now soggy with tears. Why, God, make me like Samson when the world obviously needs David? Why make my eyes to see only the gilded edges of the frame and the grand picture it encompasses, when the world needs people who can recognize each stroke, identify each color, deconstruct the masterpiece bit by bit, rather than swallowing it's beauty whole? I was devastated looking at my life in mid-renovation.
Before: My foundation was solid, but not level, so my house leaned, and no wonder, since it was settled on clay studded with rocks. My yard was filled with flowering weeds and commanding trees that bore no fruit.Then I asked to see God, to be face to face with Him. I began to dream with Him and to picture His heaven here on earth. I asked Him for a special outpouring of Holy Spirit and an undeniable touch of His Fatherly love. I asked for curses to be broken, lies to be uncovered, walls to be torn down and ungodly thoughts and imaginations to be brought low. I asked God to excavate my life.
He did.
Now what?
Now, I'm surveying the damage. There is rubble everywhere. The ground is turned inside out, rocks piled in monstrous formations surrounded by tangles of overgrown weeds and gnarly roots that trail along the scarred earth. In the words of my college choir director, "It's a mess! A wreck mess...a train wreck mess!" This is why people want to buy move-in ready homes. Was what I had so bad? Was the way it used to be so very bad? Because living the aftermath of a hurricane is maddening!
What I loved most about doing hair and makeup was "transformations", taking an ugly duckling and coloring, cutting, buffing, polishing, painting and styling her into a swan. But, it wasn't just the final reveal that I lived for, it was the whole process in between. I was the only stylist in the salon taking pictures before, during and after. But the During is why I kept the clients' backs to the mirror.
During: the controlled (or rampant) chaos that ensues after the client is draped; the part of the design and landscape shows that gets edited out. But I can't edit this out! I can't turn my back and not see. I can't fade to black or return after a commercial break. I have to go through it, step by step, when every fiber in my body wants to just pull the pillars down on it all.
Breeeeeeeeaaaaathe.
After: My assignment today is write the vision and make it plain. I've written many a plan, goal and vision before. I've even gone through a 50 some odd page handbook on how to do it right (very awesome exercise, by the way http://yourfreebook.com/). But something happened. My goals changed. My purpose, no longer shrouded behind shame and fear presented itself like a wailing baby, dato alla luce. What is beautiful about my After is that the gilded frame remains, an effulgent casing, for the obra del Maestro, that is tantamount to what has been in my heart since my freshman year in college. It's all there, but the details are entirely different. There is a new pattern of strokes and new approach to the work that requires patience more than skill and consistency more than resources.
It would be easy to end my story buried under a pile of rubble, lying inches away from my felled enemies, my last emotions, vengeance and desparation. Afterall, my enemies would be dead and I would be a hero. Samson (Shimshon in the Hebrew) means "like the sun". I dare to deduce his parents named him thus because of the brilliant light that exploded from the angel of the Lord ascending to heaven in the flame of their burnt offering. Even more interesting, Shimshon's father, Manoah is rest personified. In Psalm 95 the rebellious nation could not enter into the Lord's rest. They were cursed to wander in the wilderness, doomed to die in the During, when they could have walked in the glorious light of the Son.
I know that I am called to shine, but my ministry must be born from rest. It is okay, even necessary for me to not rush through the transformation, but rest through it. As God has shaken my world, He will also remake it, and it will be better than before.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
I've never understood people who enjoy going to amusement parks to ride the teacups. The interminable rotation of the teacups is nauseating and exhausting. The person responsible for inventing them was probably thinking of some cruel revenge to exact on grade school bullies. Proponents of this torture tell me they actually like the dizzy, woozy feeling it gives them. I smile weakly, then furtively roll my eyes thinking that this is probably the type of person who would attend an ugly dog beauty contest.
You see, I prefer the rollercoasters that climb celestially high and then plummet at warp speed toward the ground. There is the excited anticipation during the ascent and then comes the moment of the drop. The butterflies trapped in my belly suddenly go wild as the past is left behind and the carriage rumbles into another universe. I love the feeling, bracing against the inertia, then completely releasing myself to gravity. It is an exquisite release of energy. Over too soon, I disembark the carriage fighting the urge to stand in line for another ride.
You see, I prefer the rollercoasters that climb celestially high and then plummet at warp speed toward the ground. There is the excited anticipation during the ascent and then comes the moment of the drop. The butterflies trapped in my belly suddenly go wild as the past is left behind and the carriage rumbles into another universe. I love the feeling, bracing against the inertia, then completely releasing myself to gravity. It is an exquisite release of energy. Over too soon, I disembark the carriage fighting the urge to stand in line for another ride. 
I'm a little dizzy and exhausted beacuse my mind's been swirling on a nonstop 360 degree ride. And I am not amused.
I'm not angry, not discouraged, not even disappointed.
But I find that I have to remind myself that soon this crazy spinning will come to a halt. Soon I will get my bearings and my insides will settle down. Soon I will regain my balance and walk away from the teacup ride never ever to return.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
- Isabel Allende
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Stacey's Top Ten May Favorites
10. Volunteering with World Vision at the Night of Hope.
9. The Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival - I dream of sheep grazing on acres of verdant hills on our estate, El Refugio.
8. Tied for this spot : Rediscovering Korean food and feeding my ice cream habit - Thank you to The Kimchi Chronicles, Razzle Ice Cream Shop, Maggie Moo's, Breyer's and Pinkberry (even though you're yogurt) and to my mother, who made it all possible.
7. Finding out that I am "grat" and "nise" - Nothin' like lovin' from a first grader with a stapler and a No.2 pencil.
6. Getting a Nook.
5. Reading All that is Bitter and Sweet on said Nook- Ashley Judd's frighteningly beautiful memoir is engaging beyond expression. It is definitely one to be read over and over.
4. Getting a flood of new ideas for my book.
3. Actually writing them down.
2. Releasing my grip on the past to receive the gift of my future.
1. Finding "Oliver!" on Demand. - "Oom pah pah!! Oom pah pah!! That's how it goes!" I absolutely cannot wait to read this and other classics to my bambini.
10. Volunteering with World Vision at the Night of Hope.
9. The Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival - I dream of sheep grazing on acres of verdant hills on our estate, El Refugio.
8. Tied for this spot : Rediscovering Korean food and feeding my ice cream habit - Thank you to The Kimchi Chronicles, Razzle Ice Cream Shop, Maggie Moo's, Breyer's and Pinkberry (even though you're yogurt) and to my mother, who made it all possible. 7. Finding out that I am "grat" and "nise" - Nothin' like lovin' from a first grader with a stapler and a No.2 pencil.
6. Getting a Nook.
5. Reading All that is Bitter and Sweet on said Nook- Ashley Judd's frighteningly beautiful memoir is engaging beyond expression. It is definitely one to be read over and over.4. Getting a flood of new ideas for my book.
3. Actually writing them down.
2. Releasing my grip on the past to receive the gift of my future.
1. Finding "Oliver!" on Demand. - "Oom pah pah!! Oom pah pah!! That's how it goes!" I absolutely cannot wait to read this and other classics to my bambini.
I recently announced to family and friends that I'm moving abroad - in 3months! I don't even know all the details of how this is going to happen, but I know it will happen. Only a couple of weeks ago, my "path" was totally different...community college for a semester, dual degree in two years, government job with lots of travel. One of my good friends, let's call her Nena, posted to Facebook, "I am seriously out of the loop or you change my mind that much."
My previous mind was mutable, because it was not determined to follow the destiny God predestined for me. Just that simple. It's funny how the things I thought I had to do, that I promised I would do and never did, like writing, painting, playing my violin, etc. never seemed to become a part of my daily life, as I so desperately intended. Instead, like a depressed person, I felt empty, unaffected. There were no words - no music - no color.
At one point in my life I would have said, "I wish I knew the exact moment that it all began to change." You see, I liked that - being able to know everything. But now, I am content to say, I can't really put a finger on the when the "real change" was catalyzed. You see, it's not like walking into a dark room and switching on a light. Oh, no. God is way too clever for that. It's more like being asleep in a dark room and slowly being awakened by the dawn. You rise from the deepest levels of sleep, drawn by the burgeoning sun that doesn't pierce your eyes, but gently glows all around.
Well, you're in the loop, Nena. And that's just it. I changed my mind. Expressed more accurately, my mind has changed. Or even better, my mind is no longer the same. This "new" path has been predetermined for me since before I was born, yet, until a couple of weeks ago I had never been determined to walk it. I.Am.Determined.to walk this path. I chuckle to myself at how odd those words sound in my head, so rarely have I used them.
My previous mind was mutable, because it was not determined to follow the destiny God predestined for me. Just that simple. It's funny how the things I thought I had to do, that I promised I would do and never did, like writing, painting, playing my violin, etc. never seemed to become a part of my daily life, as I so desperately intended. Instead, like a depressed person, I felt empty, unaffected. There were no words - no music - no color.
But I wasn't depressed. I was compressed by the lies I've tried in every way I knew how to stop believing. I asked over and over, "Lord, how many more layers are there to this onion? When will we ever get to the center?"
So, with each new revelation, each new encounter with God's lovingkindess and tender mercies, I tried a new tactic, a new approach, a new direction, thinking, hoping, "This is it!" only to find myself right back where I started, making the same mistakes, drawing the same faulty conclusions. The onion, it seemed was planetary.
At one point in my life I would have said, "I wish I knew the exact moment that it all began to change." You see, I liked that - being able to know everything. But now, I am content to say, I can't really put a finger on the when the "real change" was catalyzed. You see, it's not like walking into a dark room and switching on a light. Oh, no. God is way too clever for that. It's more like being asleep in a dark room and slowly being awakened by the dawn. You rise from the deepest levels of sleep, drawn by the burgeoning sun that doesn't pierce your eyes, but gently glows all around.
By the time your brain reaches consciousness, your eyes are still closed and you have no idea how long the sun has been up. And slowly, involuntarily your eyes open wide taking in the soft illumination, not squinting at an overbearing brightness. This is the love of God. He doesn't peel you naked like an onion, leaving you stripped and exposed under and interrogators lamp. He shifts, adjusts, arranges, tweaking the light here and there. An empyrean Vermeer, a supernal Vivaldi, He coaxes the light to always shine on us in the most flattering way, our seasons to respond to it's vitality.
So, this is the last time that I will "change my mind" about what I will do with my life. I am not compressed by the lies anymore. I am no longer concerned with knowing the end before I begin. I am free from the paralysis that comes from seeking man's approval. I've buried the onion and trust God to nurture it until it puts down roots and sprouts, it's stem seeking the Son to feed the expanding bulb hidden in the earth, hidden - flavor, color, texture and all until the time is right to dig it up.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Evergreen
It's been almost a year since my last post. Indescribable changes have occurred in my mind and heart and my life is soon to follow suit. 2011 was a year of upheaval. Imbalance and disorder were sweeping all over the world in the weather, in governments and economies. They swept over my very own world like a drought.
Everything seemed to just be drying up. No job. No car. No apartment. And no return on a pretty hefty business investment. Worst of all, my relationship with my mother had become stale as week old bread.
2012, the year of authority, washed onto the scene bringing a newness of life, a new church family, a new perspective on abundance and most amazingly a new encounter with God as my beloved Father, or rather me as His beloved daughter. I've learned scads about love and acceptance and how utterly, shamefully crappy it is when you try to find them in people, places and things where they do not reside.
I believe that my purpose for being here includes bringing healing to broken hearts and broken families, helping to build a global community that does not tolerate injustice and living in loving dominion over the physical earth and the gift of nature. But I was ignorant of the fact that my two biggest jobs, my two primary prerogatives are these: To BELIEVE and to RECEIVE. Nothing else - and I mean nothing - will be accomplished with any victory or glory if I do not first believe God's love for me is real and receive, in covenant exchange from Christ, all that He deserves. All those big dreams I have, well, I heard a preacher say, "It's not your job to pay for it. It's your job to believe for it." (He's from Loosiana so he said it like "bleeve").
Everything seemed to just be drying up. No job. No car. No apartment. And no return on a pretty hefty business investment. Worst of all, my relationship with my mother had become stale as week old bread.
2012, the year of authority, washed onto the scene bringing a newness of life, a new church family, a new perspective on abundance and most amazingly a new encounter with God as my beloved Father, or rather me as His beloved daughter. I've learned scads about love and acceptance and how utterly, shamefully crappy it is when you try to find them in people, places and things where they do not reside.
Thus, I'm still on my journey to the Promised Land. I thought, by now, I would have arrived. Unfortunately, unwittingly, I have settled for what's on the "this side of Jordan." Why? Daddy issues? Nope. Fear? Not really. Mommy issues? Kinda, but not totally. Not dreaming big enough? Nah, I have big, BIG dreams. The problem, as I recently discovered, is that I didn't believe they could or should be any more than dreams. Here's a lesson on mountain climbing that I wish I had learned long ago.
It doesn't matter how many tools you have, how good your gear may be, how many lessons you've taken or how many people want to climb the mountain with you if you don't believe that getting to the top is better than being at the bottom.
Jeremiah 17:7,8
I now have fresh understanding and revelation that spurs me on to get out of the wilderness once and for all: to trust in the Lord, my hope, to follow Him into my promised land, to plant myself firmly by the river and draw from it daily, to grow, to bare fruit, to be evergreen.
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