Reminder

Sometimes you need a little reminder.

Writers are like those good thieves. They take something that is real…and by a trick of magic they transform it into something totally fresh. That is the best part of writing: finding the hidden treasures, giving sparkle to worn out events, invigorating the tired soul with imagination, creating some kind of truth with many lies.
                                                                                                                                        - Isabel Allende

Stacey's Top Ten May Favorites

10. Volunteering with World Vision at the Night of Hope.
9.  The Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival - I dream of sheep grazing on acres of verdant hills on our estate, El Refugio.
8.  Tied for this spot : Rediscovering Korean food and feeding my ice cream habit - Thank you to The Kimchi Chronicles, Razzle Ice Cream Shop, Maggie Moo's, Breyer's and Pinkberry (even though you're yogurt) and to my mother, who made it all possible.
7.  Finding out that I am "grat" and "nise" - Nothin' like lovin' from a first grader with a stapler and a No.2 pencil.
6.  Getting a Nook.
5.  Reading All that is Bitter and Sweet on said Nook- Ashley Judd's frighteningly beautiful memoir is engaging beyond expression.  It is definitely one to be read over and over.
4.  Getting a flood of new ideas for my book.
3.  Actually writing them down.
2.  Releasing my grip on the past to receive the gift of my future.
1. Finding "Oliver!" on Demand. -  "Oom pah pah!! Oom pah pah!! That's how it goes!" I absolutely cannot wait to read this and other classics to my bambini.

I recently announced to family and friends that I'm moving abroad - in 3months!  I don't even know all the details of how this is going to happen, but I know it will happen.  Only a couple of weeks ago, my "path" was totally different...community college for a semester, dual degree in two years, government job with lots of travel.  One of my good friends, let's call her Nena, posted to Facebook, "I am seriously out of the loop or you change my mind that much." 

Well, you're in the loop, Nena. And that's just it. I changed my mind. Expressed more accurately, my mind has changed. Or even better, my mind is no longer the same.  This "new" path has been predetermined for me since before I was born, yet, until a couple of weeks ago I had never been determined to walk it.  I.Am.Determined.to walk this path.  I chuckle to myself at how odd those words sound in my head, so rarely have I used them. 

My previous mind was mutable, because it was not determined to follow the destiny God predestined for me. Just that simple. It's funny how the things I thought I had to do, that I promised I would do and never did, like writing, painting, playing my violin, etc. never seemed to become a part of my daily life, as I so desperately intended.  Instead, like a depressed person, I felt empty, unaffected.  There were no words - no music - no color.  

But I wasn't depressed. I was compressed by the lies I've tried in every way I knew how to stop believing.  I asked over and over, "Lord, how many more layers are there to this onion?  When will we ever get to the center?" 

So, with each new revelation, each new encounter with God's lovingkindess and tender mercies, I tried a new tactic, a new approach, a new direction, thinking, hoping, "This is it!" only to find myself right back where I started, making the same mistakes, drawing the same faulty conclusions.  The onion, it seemed was planetary. 

At one point in my life I would have said, "I wish I knew the exact moment that it all began to change."  You see, I liked that - being able to know everything. But now, I am content to say, I can't really put a finger on the when the "real change" was catalyzed. You see, it's not like walking into a dark room and switching on a light.  Oh, no. God is way too clever for that.  It's more like being asleep in a dark room and slowly being awakened by the dawn.  You rise from the deepest levels of sleep, drawn by the burgeoning sun that doesn't pierce your eyes, but gently glows all around.  

By the time your brain reaches consciousness, your eyes are still closed and you have no idea how long the sun has been up.  And slowly, involuntarily your eyes open wide taking in the soft illumination, not squinting at an overbearing brightness. This is the love of God.  He doesn't peel you naked like an onion, leaving you stripped and exposed under and interrogators lamp.  He shifts, adjusts, arranges, tweaking the light here and there. An empyrean Vermeer, a supernal Vivaldi, He coaxes the light to always shine on us in the most flattering way, our seasons to respond to it's vitality. 

So, this is the last time that I will "change my mind" about what I will do with my life. I am not compressed by the lies anymore. I am no longer concerned with knowing the end before I begin.  I am free from the paralysis that comes from seeking man's approval.  I've buried the onion and trust God to nurture it until it puts down roots and sprouts, it's stem seeking the Son to feed the expanding bulb hidden in the earth, hidden - flavor, color, texture and all until the time is right to dig it up. 

Evergreen

It's been almost a year since my last post.  Indescribable changes have occurred in my mind and heart and my life is soon to follow suit.  2011 was a year of upheaval.  Imbalance and disorder were sweeping all over the world in the weather, in governments and economies. They swept over my very own world like a drought.

Everything seemed to just be drying up. No job.  No car.  No apartment. And no return on a pretty hefty business investment. Worst of all, my relationship with my mother had become stale as week old bread.

2012, the year of authority, washed onto the scene bringing a newness of life, a new church family, a new perspective on abundance and most amazingly a new encounter with God as my beloved Father, or rather me as His beloved daughter. I've learned scads about love and acceptance and how utterly, shamefully crappy it is when you try to find them in people, places and things where they do not reside.

Thus, I'm still on my journey to the Promised Land. I thought, by now, I would have arrived. Unfortunately, unwittingly, I have settled for what's on the "this side of Jordan."  Why? Daddy issues? Nope.  Fear? Not really.  Mommy issues? Kinda, but not totally. Not dreaming big enough? Nah, I have big, BIG dreams.  The problem, as I recently discovered, is that I didn't believe they could or should be any more than dreams.  Here's a lesson on mountain climbing that I wish I had learned long ago.  

It doesn't matter how many tools you have, how good your gear may be, how many lessons you've taken or how many people want to climb the mountain with you if you don't believe that getting to the top is better than being at the bottom. 

I believe that my purpose for being here includes bringing healing to broken hearts and broken families, helping to build a global community that does not tolerate injustice and living in loving dominion over the physical earth and the gift of nature.  But I was ignorant of the fact that my two biggest jobs, my two primary prerogatives are these: To BELIEVE and to RECEIVE.  Nothing else - and I mean nothing - will be accomplished with any victory or glory if I do not first believe God's love for me is real and receive, in covenant exchange from Christ, all that He deserves.  All those big dreams I have, well, I heard a preacher say, "It's not your job to pay for it.  It's your job to believe for it."  (He's from Loosiana so he said it like "bleeve").

Jeremiah 17:7,8

I now have fresh understanding and revelation that spurs me on to get out of the wilderness once and for all: to trust in the Lord, my hope, to follow Him into my promised land, to plant myself firmly by the river and draw from it daily,  to grow, to bare fruit, to be evergreen.  

Unexpected

He told me I could be free.
He told me that he cared, that he saw my hurt and wounds. 
He was not frightened by my bark.
He's been bitten before. 
He said that my desires are right and good,
 that I could be fulfilled.
But first, the third part of forgiveness,
 the hardest part, needs to be done. 
He asked if I wanted to be healed.  I said, "Yes."
Then I stood in the rain.

Realized something about myself today that I've denied for a long time and want to never have to deal with again.  Giving complete control to God not only means taking my hands off the steering wheel, it also means, not letting anyone else drive.