I've never understood people who enjoy going to amusement parks to ride the teacups. The interminable rotation of the teacups is nauseating and exhausting.  The person responsible for inventing them was probably thinking of some cruel revenge to exact on grade school bullies.  Proponents of this torture tell me they actually like the dizzy, woozy feeling it gives them.  I smile weakly, then furtively roll my eyes thinking that this is probably the type of person who would attend an ugly dog beauty contest.

You see, I prefer the rollercoasters that climb celestially high and then plummet at warp speed toward the ground. There is the excited anticipation during the ascent and then comes the moment of the drop.  The butterflies trapped in my belly suddenly go wild as the past is left behind and the carriage rumbles into another universe.  I love the feeling, bracing against the inertia, then completely releasing myself to gravity. It is an exquisite release of energy.  Over too soon, I disembark the carriage fighting the urge to stand in line for another ride.   

I'm a little dizzy and exhausted beacuse my mind's been swirling on a nonstop 360 degree ride. And I am not amused. 

I'm not angry, not discouraged, not even disappointed. 

But I find that I have to remind myself that soon this crazy spinning will come to a halt.  Soon I will get my bearings and my insides will settle down.  Soon I will regain my balance and walk away from the teacup ride never ever to return.

Reminder

Sometimes you need a little reminder.

Writers are like those good thieves. They take something that is real…and by a trick of magic they transform it into something totally fresh. That is the best part of writing: finding the hidden treasures, giving sparkle to worn out events, invigorating the tired soul with imagination, creating some kind of truth with many lies.
                                                                                                                                        - Isabel Allende

Stacey's Top Ten May Favorites

10. Volunteering with World Vision at the Night of Hope.
9.  The Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival - I dream of sheep grazing on acres of verdant hills on our estate, El Refugio.
8.  Tied for this spot : Rediscovering Korean food and feeding my ice cream habit - Thank you to The Kimchi Chronicles, Razzle Ice Cream Shop, Maggie Moo's, Breyer's and Pinkberry (even though you're yogurt) and to my mother, who made it all possible.
7.  Finding out that I am "grat" and "nise" - Nothin' like lovin' from a first grader with a stapler and a No.2 pencil.
6.  Getting a Nook.
5.  Reading All that is Bitter and Sweet on said Nook- Ashley Judd's frighteningly beautiful memoir is engaging beyond expression.  It is definitely one to be read over and over.
4.  Getting a flood of new ideas for my book.
3.  Actually writing them down.
2.  Releasing my grip on the past to receive the gift of my future.
1. Finding "Oliver!" on Demand. -  "Oom pah pah!! Oom pah pah!! That's how it goes!" I absolutely cannot wait to read this and other classics to my bambini.

I recently announced to family and friends that I'm moving abroad - in 3months!  I don't even know all the details of how this is going to happen, but I know it will happen.  Only a couple of weeks ago, my "path" was totally different...community college for a semester, dual degree in two years, government job with lots of travel.  One of my good friends, let's call her Nena, posted to Facebook, "I am seriously out of the loop or you change my mind that much." 

Well, you're in the loop, Nena. And that's just it. I changed my mind. Expressed more accurately, my mind has changed. Or even better, my mind is no longer the same.  This "new" path has been predetermined for me since before I was born, yet, until a couple of weeks ago I had never been determined to walk it.  I.Am.Determined.to walk this path.  I chuckle to myself at how odd those words sound in my head, so rarely have I used them. 

My previous mind was mutable, because it was not determined to follow the destiny God predestined for me. Just that simple. It's funny how the things I thought I had to do, that I promised I would do and never did, like writing, painting, playing my violin, etc. never seemed to become a part of my daily life, as I so desperately intended.  Instead, like a depressed person, I felt empty, unaffected.  There were no words - no music - no color.  

But I wasn't depressed. I was compressed by the lies I've tried in every way I knew how to stop believing.  I asked over and over, "Lord, how many more layers are there to this onion?  When will we ever get to the center?" 

So, with each new revelation, each new encounter with God's lovingkindess and tender mercies, I tried a new tactic, a new approach, a new direction, thinking, hoping, "This is it!" only to find myself right back where I started, making the same mistakes, drawing the same faulty conclusions.  The onion, it seemed was planetary. 

At one point in my life I would have said, "I wish I knew the exact moment that it all began to change."  You see, I liked that - being able to know everything. But now, I am content to say, I can't really put a finger on the when the "real change" was catalyzed. You see, it's not like walking into a dark room and switching on a light.  Oh, no. God is way too clever for that.  It's more like being asleep in a dark room and slowly being awakened by the dawn.  You rise from the deepest levels of sleep, drawn by the burgeoning sun that doesn't pierce your eyes, but gently glows all around.  

By the time your brain reaches consciousness, your eyes are still closed and you have no idea how long the sun has been up.  And slowly, involuntarily your eyes open wide taking in the soft illumination, not squinting at an overbearing brightness. This is the love of God.  He doesn't peel you naked like an onion, leaving you stripped and exposed under and interrogators lamp.  He shifts, adjusts, arranges, tweaking the light here and there. An empyrean Vermeer, a supernal Vivaldi, He coaxes the light to always shine on us in the most flattering way, our seasons to respond to it's vitality. 

So, this is the last time that I will "change my mind" about what I will do with my life. I am not compressed by the lies anymore. I am no longer concerned with knowing the end before I begin.  I am free from the paralysis that comes from seeking man's approval.  I've buried the onion and trust God to nurture it until it puts down roots and sprouts, it's stem seeking the Son to feed the expanding bulb hidden in the earth, hidden - flavor, color, texture and all until the time is right to dig it up.