Unexpected

He told me I could be free.
He told me that he cared, that he saw my hurt and wounds. 
He was not frightened by my bark.
He's been bitten before. 
He said that my desires are right and good,
 that I could be fulfilled.
But first, the third part of forgiveness,
 the hardest part, needs to be done. 
He asked if I wanted to be healed.  I said, "Yes."
Then I stood in the rain.

Realized something about myself today that I've denied for a long time and want to never have to deal with again.  Giving complete control to God not only means taking my hands off the steering wheel, it also means, not letting anyone else drive.

"The difference between guilt and shame is very clear—in theory. We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are. A person feels guilt because he did something wrong. A person feels shame because he is something wrong. We may feel guilty because we lied to our mother. We may feel shame because we are not the person our mother wanted us to be."
                                         -Lewis Smedes, psychologist and educator

     I should be happy that I came across this quote.  I should be happy that, after searching for meaning and just finding more questions, after receiving revelations from heaven only to find myself groping in the fog again, I can finally get off of the merry-go-round.  I should be happy that I can leave behind the mountain that I've been compassing day after day for e.le.ven years.  I should be happy that, at last, the mineral truth that has cruelly escaped me is now gleaming like gold dust right before my eyes. 

     But I'm not happy.  I'm not happy at all. 

     Not happy because I have to confess something that I never once had an inkling about.  I have to admit to thinking, feeling a certain way that I had no clue even existed in my world.  I'd heard people talk about it, seen it on made for tv movies, read it in scripture, even sang of it . But I had no idea about shame.

    


     Hello.  My name is Stacey.  And I'm ashamed of myself.

     I'm thinking back on my mediocre life (don't "awwww" here, it is what it is). I'm, thinking back on all the "words" I received, all the journal and blog entries, all the times when I thought I had my Eureka! moment and all the times that I still came up short. It is painfully clear that the reason I was never able to convert inertia into momentum is because I felt guilty about who I am.  G-d did not create mediocrity.  He doesn't even tolerate it.  So where the heck did it come from and why do I have it?  It occured in the garden with Adam and Eve's feeble attempts to cover their nakedness with leaves.  Brilliant.

     So why am I surprised? It's not like I didn't know that.  It's not like I haven't thought that before. 'I wish I were more like...' or 'I'm really not liking that I am this way and not that way' are phrases that I've a million times. But I have never yet used the word shame. I thought a basic dislike of who I am and how God made me was just a silly sentiment everyone has and has to get over from time to time. Not until now do I realize that what I have is more than just a general lack of self-esteem or an unhealthy attachment to the unattainable standards of a fallen society. What I have is a serious infection of the worst kind, an infection of the mind, passed on to me by my foreparents.  An infection that causes me to believe that in the sight of God, I am dishonorable, improper, disappointing (ed), hopeless, ridiculous, a disgrace.
     Shame is, perhaps, the strongest emotion that I've never felt because it pulls upon the heart like the moon on the tide, but is as imperceptible as that lunar force.  You can't see the energy that shifts the waters from bottom to top.  You only see the effects...ten foot tsunami swells that leave behind the devestation of half-assedness.
         Actually, it was sinister.  Devilishly sinister.  Satan knew exactly what he was doing with that precious pair in the Garden.  If the all out frontal attack on trust and relationship didn't work, then the slow gangrenous attack on the psyche would surely fix the plot.  If disobedience was the first sin, shame was definately the first iniquity, the first time things were thrown out of balance.  No balance, no focus. No focus, no progress.  No progress, no victory.  That was Hell's Plan B.  And I fell for it.
         'We feel shame because of who we are'. This guy, Smedes, probably doesn't know Jesus. (From the way I act sometimes, you would think I didn't know Him either.) Adam and Eve knew God, so they knew who they were.  They knew whose they were.  The problem lay in that they came to disapprove of who they were. I make this point because, if this man knew Jesus, his statement would read thusly, 'We feel shame because of who we think and/or believe we are.'  The thing is G-d tells us who we are to Him, who we used to be before redemption and who we  become afterward. And even when we were in our worst state, dispicable, hateful and farthest away from His touch we were still VALUED. We may have been unworthy, but we were never worthless! This is a distinction in thought and/or belief that we're not supposed to make.  That's how Plan B works.

     Well, I'm pretty sick of Plan B.  I just want to get focused and move ahead. I'm not really sure how to pray about this.  Don't have it all straight in my head what my counter attack will be. All I know is,  I've uncovered something. There is a lot more digging to be done.  A lot to examine here.  Like I said, gold dust.  But any miner who didn't want to have his lode robbed, kept his find under his hat, or more safely, under his tongue.   So that's me now.  I've stumbled upon a gold mine and I can't really be too excited about it.  It's probably the best thing that's happened to me since 1999, but I have to be very careful about what I say, about letting myself get carried away, or I'll miss this.  The enemy would like nothing better than to see that happen.

      I don't know when I will be able to shout my victory from the mountain tops.  I sure hope it's way sooner than much later. Until that time, I will content myself with the words of the Lord as revealed to the prophet Isaiah, who, interestingly, enough seemed well acquainted with shame.

   Fear not: for thou shalt not be ashamed:

   neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame:

   for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shall not remember  

   the reproach of thy widowhood anymore.  For thy Maker is thine husband;

   the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel;

   the G-d of the whole earth shall He be called.

                                    -Isaiah 54:4-5

This is it

It happened two nights ago.  After years of battling confusion, countless prayers mottled with tears, midnights marked by fear and lack of trust, I finally jumped off the hampster wheel and scrambled my way out of the cage.  I am fearless and free!

Crazy how change occurs in an instant.  In the instant a baby is born, the mother forgets the pain and discomfort she endured to get to that moment.  In the instant a boxer knocks out his opponent he no longer remembers the pain in his jaw or that he can't see out of his right eye.  There is always the build up, the pummeling, the pushing, the raw straining of sanity and strength.  Then comes the plateau, the point of exhaustion and disorientation when giving up seems like the only option. 

But, if you don't give up, if you remember why you got into the ring in the first place, if you concentrate on the life that is about to birth forth, then you realize there is no other option, but to "Get up! Stand up! Don't give up the fight" as Bob Marley encourages (FYI, I don't agree with any of the rest of the song).  "Now blows brave the elusive second wind" (Ha! That one's mine) and suddenly, like the strike of a bell, your victory rings out. Fear is defeated. It's a new day.  I'm not afraid anymore.  THIS IS IT!!!!

Start with what you have

I have been following a family in Pasadena, CA who has transformed their tiny city home into a micro farm, producing upwards of 6000 lbs. of food per year.  This is a version of the short film they made that has won several awards.  I posted just the trailer on facebook as they are selling the full length film (15:44) in order to help fund their work.  I found this shorter version of the film on the personal website of Jordanne Dervaes, daughter of the original Urban Homesteader, Jules Dervaes.

I can say so much about what kinds of changes my mind is beginning to embrace, but the real change is in the doing.  So starting with what I have, I am committing to grow 1% of my food for the remainder of 2011. That may seem like a small figure, but it's a huge undertaking. 

How much food do I really eat?   What will it take for me to grow it in the small backyard of my mom's rented town house?  What will I grow? How much will I have to adjust the way I eat?  Am I ready for all that?  Well, I'm giving myself a week to get it all figured out. 

Keep watching.

All Eyes on Me! (As if you didn't already know.)

Well, folks. According to two fake Myers-Briggs tests that I took online, I am an ESFP.  That is Extroverted-Sensing-Feeling-Perceiving.  A third test said I am ESTJ - Thinking Judging. The weird thing about it is, I only scored like 1% in the extroverted area on one test and close to 80% on the other.  My scores on the third test were all in the middle and pretty close, but still led with Extroverted and Sensing. 

Doing my own eval of myself I realize that as much as I like to be around people, I excel in work on my own and like to "recharge my batteries" in serene, solitary settings. I am also a great starter, but not such a great finisher.  I have no clue what the Sensing thing is all about, but I do agree with the Perceiver part. Apparently all these elements mean I would be an excellent stage/screen performer, dressmaker/designer, photographer or wait for it...receptionist.  Tee hee!:}

I took these tests for two reasons.  First to see if I was really just a very sociable introvert.  Since a lot of my tendencies are introverted, and so many of the things I do require me to be  alone or in my own head. But it seems I am either a really good liar or completely balanced or these online tests suck. 

Secondly, I am going to be making some major life choices soon and wanted to see if I was cut out for the path I am considering taking. Curious as to what that path is?
Well, you'll just have to wait and see. But you can bet your buns whatever it is will lead to

ULTIMATE WORLD DOMINATION! MUA! HA! HA HA! HA! But I will leave you with this tidbit.  Some famous ESFP's include Bill Cosby, Oprah Winfrey, Elvis, Elizabeth Taylor, Serena Williams, Marilyn Monroe and of course, the stellar President Bill Clinton.

Stacey's Top Ten January Favorites

10. Sophisticated. Chic. Jetset. Luxury.   I may be a lowly Michael Kors outlet sales associate, but when the scent of tuberose, tamarind and musk hit my olfactory nerves I am instantly sailing my yacht off the shores of Dubrovnik or hiking in the Italian Alps.

9.  Fashion magazines and artist markers, set of 100.  Childhood creativity and confidence at its best on a sheet of white posterboard.

8. An hour visiting Grammy. These can be trying times, but I know I would regret missing out on them.


7.  Seven year old boys in p.j's. "Stacey, can I have another cookie?" "Stacey, can you turn it to Spongebob?"




6.  Trivial Pursuit, Tri-Ominoes and Five Card Stud with the fam.  I love 'em.  What can I say?

5.  Arabian Nights before bed.  One day I will regale my children with the elaborate tales of Scheherazad. ( I'll just leave out a few of the nasty bits.)

4.  Doing the Cupid Shuffle at D's wedding.  Every time I do it I wonder why I don't do it more often.

3.  The Riley Boyfriend Watch by Fossil. How well does it tell time? I don't know. I keep getting distracted.

2.  Breakfast, brunch and dessert with AA. She knows the deal (and makes me keep up my end of it).

1.  Discovering the English Cut.  

Big dreams...big wheels

Sustainable chic?  This is the way to ride in style!  FDR quoted an African proverb: Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.  I can go far with these four wheels, making a loud statement without leaving a big footprint.

Quotation Inspiration

"The fullness of my life is at my door...on both sides of it...while I talk with the Lord all day long."

-Pat, a homemaker

If You Don't Know...

“THOUGH THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD ARE INCREASINGLY MORE COMPLEX, THE SOLUTIONS REMAIN EMBARRASSINGLY SIMPLE....”


- Bill Mollison, co-founder of the world-wide permaculture movement



     There is a lot to be said for the common acronym, KISS.  It's short, memorable and encourages proper perspective. 
     Keeping it simple is far from stupid. Our world is no less full of evil than it was in the time before the Flood.  It is, however; flooded with more mercy and more of God's wisdom and promise than it was before Yahshuah's coming and since. 
     Yahshuah said that the kingdom is for those who come to Him as a little child.  The kingdom of heaven, vast and eternal Glory, is so simple that a child can grasp it.  Yet, it eludes many of us because we refuse to embrace the very simplicity that brings us the peace and power to attain it.  Why? 
     Because simple is NOT easy.
     Returning to our Jewish roots is not complicated.  There is no need to trudge through lengthy and often erroneous rabbinical teaching in order to understand the basics of the Torah. The Ten Commandments will suffice.  Returning to purity is not complicated.  There is no need to break down the psycholgical affectations of music videos on society.  Mary's example and that of Ruth and Esther will suffice.  Returning our earth to a healthy and balanced state is not complicated.  There is no need to read massive studies on glacier meltdown or memorize oil drill depth ratios.  It will suffice to view water, nutrient-rich soil, skilled trades and community as our best resources, rather than worthless pieces of paper, printed with ink.
     As we used to say, back in the day, "It ain't that deep."  The simplest answers are right in front of our eyes.  They will suffice.  But we don't want sufficiency, we want surplus.  We don't want the simple answers  because they challenge our senses of comfort and convenience. We ignore them, disdain them, like the Pharisees of old, who would rather kill a King than be ruled by Him.
     They missed it.  We've missed it.  We need a more simplistic view of everything from worship to career, from recycling to feminity. Do what God wants us to do the way He wants us to do it and our nation, our world will have no choice but to flourish.  This is the new old way.  The latest retro style.  Plain and simple.
     Now you know.
   



Some people are a trickle, like the last drops of storm rain
Some, a torrent, inescapable
Some dreams are rare,    r
                   a                       n   
                             d
                                  o
                                      m
              glints 
                                                winks
pressured like diamonds.
my Dreams explode. Their boom deafens kills reveals.
My love, a sad staccato, begs for Your legato, the maddening
cCrescendOo of death meeting light meeting undone to be done and undone
again.

A
bandon.

Some good advice from a new friend

You'd better get to livin', givin'/ Be willin' and forgivin' cause all healin' has to start with you/
You better stop whinin', pinin'/ Get your dreams in line and then just shine, design, refine 'til they come true/And you better get to livin'/Your life's a wreck, your house is a mess, and your wardrobe way outdated/ All your plans just keep on fallin' thru/Overweight and underpaid, under appreciated/I'm no guru but I'll tell you this I know is true/You better get to livin'/Don't sweat the small stuff, keep your chin up/Just hang tough and if it gets too rough//fall on your knees and pray and do that everyday/Then you'll get to livin'.

Thanks Dolly!

I just got off the phone with a friend who called me "freaking out" about the direction her heart was going.  Pouting her passion for a life she's afraid to live, she tearfully walked me through elements of her upbringing, a recent debacle of a match made somewhere south of heaven and the realization that no one knows that the girl who has it all together is, in fact, falling apart at the seams. 

In these "freak out" times, it's easy to think that everything really is falling apart.  That you're selfish and rebellious for asking questions that go against the things your parents taught you.  That your religion is giving way to the Nothing that feeds on your hopes and dreams.

But the TRUTH is, these are the moments when Holy Spirit is shaking things up, tearing things down, removing the stranglehold of religion.  It is the space between your comfort zone and God's will that thunders and strikes within the soul. In these spaces new perspectives are formed as God kneels down and looks us straight in the eyes, asking us a question.  "Will you hold onto what you've been taught and the comfort you've found in the midst of chaos or will you turn round and release yourself to do what pleases me?"

He is very patient to wait for the answer.