Well, you're in the loop, Nena. And that's just it. I changed my mind. Expressed more accurately, my mind has changed. Or even better, my mind is no longer the same. This "new" path has been predetermined for me since before I was born, yet, until a couple of weeks ago I had never been determined to walk it. I.Am.Determined.to walk this path. I chuckle to myself at how odd those words sound in my head, so rarely have I used them.
My previous mind was mutable, because it was not determined to follow the destiny God predestined for me. Just that simple. It's funny how the things I thought I had to do, that I promised I would do and never did, like writing, painting, playing my violin, etc. never seemed to become a part of my daily life, as I so desperately intended. Instead, like a depressed person, I felt empty, unaffected. There were no words - no music - no color.
But I wasn't depressed. I was compressed by the lies I've tried in every way I knew how to stop believing. I asked over and over, "Lord, how many more layers are there to this onion? When will we ever get to the center?"
So, with each new revelation, each new encounter with God's lovingkindess and tender mercies, I tried a new tactic, a new approach, a new direction, thinking, hoping, "This is it!" only to find myself right back where I started, making the same mistakes, drawing the same faulty conclusions. The onion, it seemed was planetary.
At one point in my life I would have said, "I wish I knew the exact moment that it all began to change." You see, I liked that - being able to know everything. But now, I am content to say, I can't really put a finger on the when the "real change" was catalyzed. You see, it's not like walking into a dark room and switching on a light. Oh, no. God is way too clever for that. It's more like being asleep in a dark room and slowly being awakened by the dawn. You rise from the deepest levels of sleep, drawn by the burgeoning sun that doesn't pierce your eyes, but gently glows all around.
By the time your brain reaches consciousness, your eyes are still closed and you have no idea how long the sun has been up. And slowly, involuntarily your eyes open wide taking in the soft illumination, not squinting at an overbearing brightness. This is the love of God. He doesn't peel you naked like an onion, leaving you stripped and exposed under and interrogators lamp. He shifts, adjusts, arranges, tweaking the light here and there. An empyrean Vermeer, a supernal Vivaldi, He coaxes the light to always shine on us in the most flattering way, our seasons to respond to it's vitality.
So, this is the last time that I will "change my mind" about what I will do with my life. I am not compressed by the lies anymore. I am no longer concerned with knowing the end before I begin. I am free from the paralysis that comes from seeking man's approval. I've buried the onion and trust God to nurture it until it puts down roots and sprouts, it's stem seeking the Son to feed the expanding bulb hidden in the earth, hidden - flavor, color, texture and all until the time is right to dig it up.